I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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