if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
