it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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