You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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