that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Randomize
