I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
