John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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