the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
