When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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