i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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