I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
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