just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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