He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
