True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
