he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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