Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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