John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
two words: eviction party
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She made me pour olive oil on her.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
