What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
