so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
