never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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