this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
