worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
