I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
