he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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