i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
