you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
