I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
