i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
