Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
