i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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