I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
