he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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