I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You may now shotgun with the bride
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
