chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
