A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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