where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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