I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
