my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
