There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
