New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
