Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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