i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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