I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Moan for me like Helen Keller
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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