____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
