I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
