Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
