I accidentally had phone sex last night
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
