hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
