In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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