No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
